The Worst Marriage Advice
I broke out The Suit to go to a wedding on the Cape last summer. Beautiful couple. Delicious food. Open bar. The Horah. Double freaking rainbow out over the ocean. Absolutely lovely.

With marriage comes marriage advice. Everyone’s got some advice for you, and it’s always good to listen. One of the most common pieces of advice Carol and I received around the time of our wedding - and which was mentioned in the vows of the wedding this summer - was “don’t go to bed angry”.

Now at first I wanted to write a post about how terrible this advice is. But first I did a little searching for the correct wording of the advice and came across an article on not going to bed angry that changed my mind a little.

Basically, the point of my post was going to be that sleep is totally awesome and vital to your personal and marital health. I learned this quickly after my first son was born. I was never of the opinion that arguments absolutely had to be worked out before we went to bed. My wife was more insistent that things get worked out. Combine that with the fact that I can be stubborn and we had a few all-nighters. That wrecked us the next day when we didn’t have kids. It made us irritable to each other and worsened our productivity at work. When the kids did come there wasn’t any discussion about changing the rules of our arguments. We just recognized that most of what we argued about wasn’t worth the loss of sleep.

The article linked above modified my position on DGTBA. Before reading the article I saw two sides to the debate: resolve it (i.e. “don’t go to bed angry”) or drop it. Before the article I was a strong advocate for dropping it. What you really have is three options though. “Resolve it” is still there, and I still think it’s a terrible rule. “Drop it” though needs to get broken into two options. There’s dropping it and letting the argument fester because neither side really dropped it. Many a time I would let an argument fester in the days and weeks after a late night argument, whether we “resolved” or dropped it. Inevitably it would come up in a different situation, making things worse. Then there’s dropping it and truly forgetting about it because you realize it’s not worth the loss of sleep and more importantly it’s not worth hanging over your relationship with the person you love. The latter option is actually a combination of how I saw “resolve it, aka don’t go to bed angry” and “drop it”. This interpretation of DGTBA is saying drop it because it’s not worth it - and believe that it’s not worth it.

The wife and I are at this position. It might just be because we’re too tired to care about certain disagreements anymore. It might be that we’ve come to long term agreements on old conflicts. But I think we’ve also realized most of the things we used to argue about aren’t worth it. And you know what, we have a damn good marriage now.
 
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