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Yes and No
I've run across some studies recently, such as those summed up in this NY Magazine article, that claim parents are less happy as a result of having children. It may be heresy to say it, but from my vantage there is truth to this. I'm not going to fall over myself adding caveats; my son is the greatest thing I've done in my life and I love him accordingly. There are definitely things in my life that I used to enjoy that I cannot find the time to do anymore. I've played ball once this summer - maybe once this year. As a result, my skills at the game I love to play more than any other have faded. My Flickr page has been all but abandoned. Wasting a whole day drinking beer and watching football feels wrong. Waking up after 8:00 AM on a weekend is no longer an option. Finding time to write and research for this blog is tough. There are others as well that contribute to a general sense that I've lost something.

When I think about it sometimes I let out a sigh. Then I move on because as much as I miss it I would never go back. That's not to say that my happiness now is greater than my happiness then. It could be that I'm less happy now. Coming home to Julian is the best part of my day every day. I wouldn't trade my time with him for anything. Many times when I have something planned that makes me miss coming home before he goes to bed it hurts me to think of that time I'm missing. Yet even that precious time is dotted with frustration and annoyance because, well, he acts like a baby. My most happy times now are spent serving someone else. In the vast majority of cases now, the time when I could take an entire day to myself is gone.

Gone are the days of selfishness. This is the crux of the happiness conundrum, in my opinion. I liken it to working for a non-profit that you care deeply about. You'll make less money, have longer hours, and have tougher job. The payoff is not immediate either. Yet you'll do it because you are working for a cause that is greater than you. Sound familiar?

I submit that after the fact you'll be more satisfied while in the short term you will be less happy with children. In 17 years will I be happier having raised a fully functioning member of society or having played a lot of poker with my friends? It's not meant to be a snide question. It's entirely possible that poker night and the friendships that develop as a result will be more fulfilling in the long term. And it's not like parents haven't managed poker night before. I think, however, that the sense of accomplishment will be greater with a child.

I don't want this post to sound like I'm delusional about my perfect life or disgruntled at the drudgery. The moments of joy are unbelievably sustaining, even if they are to the detriment of other sources of happiness (friends, physical activity, entertainment, sleep). I could never go back to a world without it. I wouldn't be surprised if 23 year old me rated his life more happy than 29 year old me though. Parenting is an investment with a potentially high return, but that won't pay off for a while.
Amen.

And
I think the return on investment will come sooner than you might think.


My kids aren't teenagers yet, so I don't know what I'm in for, but so
far, I can say that while the problems get more complex, the moments of
joy get even better as the kids get older.

Posted at 7/7/2010 2:35:00 PM by Doug


 
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